Sacrament of Reconciliation

Coming soon! I’m organizing my screenshots of what Catholics have said to me on social media, and screenshots of primary sources from my nightmare experiences in the Archdiocese of Toronto and the Diocese of Peterborough.

I have shared tidbits of my experience on social media, which happens to be the only place I have to interact with other Catholics, thanks to the retaliation and ostracism I’ve experienced. I’m in Canada, and it seems Dioceses have or had a lot of secrets to hide: physical and sexual abuse, spiritual and psychological abuse, clericalism, focusing too much on partisan politics, tribalism or clannishness, nepotism over Catholic jobs. This prevented from being able to genuinely welcome people seeking God, seeking meaning, seeking catechesis, seeking spiritual refuge.

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1st Fr Joseph Devereaux, just before my baptism, in a confession booth tells me God is my conscience and talks to me in a patronizing voice like I’m an idiot, walking me through the first five Commandments. There was no opportunity to say what mattered: the insights from my Ignatian Life Review in the aftermath of the N100 pitch contest, my father’s death, etc. Instead, it was cut short because he arrived at the parish late.
2nd Fr Damian Smullen at St Peter-in-Chains Day of Grace. When I realised he was the priest, and he wanted me to sit across from him in a chair and have a conversation and talk through the notes I had brought, I left. There’s more to the history that I don’t need to repeat here.
3rd Fr John from India at St Peter-in-Chains who tells me ‘I have no idea what to say. Go to Jesus.”
4th Fr Michael Eades from Holy Family – a positive faith experience – the first and only ‘confession’ that was grace-filled. He didn’t know who I was and that is how I thought it was supposed to be – not because I had anything to hide but because the priest is supposed to be ‘in Christi’. The penitent should know the confession won’t be remembered later on. I completely agree that priests need protection, and they need guidance on what to do if someone confesses a crime, especially in this era of devices that record our words.
5th Fr David Roche covers all our Saturday conversations ‘under the Seal’
6th Fr Ray from the Philippines, at St Peter-in-Chains after Roche tells me I need to ‘go to confession’ before registering in Summer School at the Oratory
7th Fr Vince Fiore at the Mater Dei Latin Mass community in Coniston – Reconcilation three times. He stood up and almost walked out, accusing me of not being truthful, when I “went to confession” after signing papers that banned me from all churches in the Peterborough Diocese. I didn’t know if I could go to communion when my own Bishop let two senior staff have me arrested. Fiore did eventually listen, and invited me to make an appointment to speak more about what had happened. He was kind up to a point, and then he turned against me, speaking to me with suspicion and asking why I was speaking to him. I didn’t go back to him once I realized that he, too, had been fed some story about me and was choosing to believe whoever that was and not me.

What happened to me was cruel. insistence that I “go to confession” by conservative men in their 60s and 70s up, traumatizing me, refusing to listen to me without it being “under the Seal”. Deirdre Thomas stared at me at one meeting in 2019 that Robyn Henighan was also at, at the Pastoral Centre, and said to me, “They won’t deny the Sacraments, Jen.” I had no idea what was going through her conniving brain, and she wouldn’t elaborate. And then, despite everything that he did, Fr Joseph Devereaux actually wrote in an email after he lied to police that I had never reflected on my life. I believe he even told Sault Diocese Canonist Robert Lariviere that I was unforgiving, and didn’t believe what the Church teaches, causing the Sault Chancery staff at the time: Jolicoeur, Vezina, Hargraves, Lariviere and Fr Dave Tramoniti to not assist me in locating a trained female supporter to come to the offered January 2021 meeting with the Judicial Vicar.

I have a lot more to say about the practice of Reconciliation or Penance. In post-religious Ontario, this Sacrament, ritual and tradition must be done properly, or not at all. The lay faithful are invited to be vulnerable but can be eavesdropped upon, unfairly or inaccurately judged and condemned. I have to say, it is the single most stupid experience I’ve ever had. I didn’t even need “forgiveness” when I arrived – I just wanted water baptism and I was expecting and hoping for the opportunity to let a priest hear why I wanted to become Catholic, since the first priests I had spoken to – Fr Begin, Fr Balon Okpu, Fr Jerry Tavares were so disinterested (Begin), preoccupied with below the belt issues (Okpu), and hostile (Tavares). I had no instruction and I got the impression from all priests that they thought I was soft in the head to take it seriously. And yet, as a convert, I was told I was polluting the Body of Christ and needed to “go to confession”.

I realize most loyal Catholics who are in a good parish can’t believe how badly things can go wrong, and how incredibly awful Dioceses are to any lay Catholic they see has a valid complaint. If you’re an unchurched person who doesn’t understand the power structure, the fear of litigation, the polarization — seeking Christian initiation as a single adult e.g. not marrying into the Church or converting from Protestantism but, like me, responding to Catholic media on Youtube and reading my way to faith … it can lead to disaster. If you’re reading this as a Catholic, please read my page on Institutional Betrayal. We don’t even need to call it sex abuse crisis or cover up – just consider what it’s like to be a person of faith rejected from the Church because of abuses of power by priests or lay people.